How to Save a Life
by dashboardconfessions
Summary: HOUSE OF HADES SPOILERS. Nico contemplates the meaning of his existence and whether this world would really be losing anything if he wasn't there. T for kind of heavy subject matter. A little bit of Percy/Nico.


**Man, I am on a roll with these Nico oneshots. He's always been one of my favorites, but now that we've kind of gotten a little more information about his character, I just love him even more and I can't with how adorable he is. I ship Percabeth, but I'm kind of shipping Percico now too. I'm undecided. Anyway, I hope this is okay. Another one of my quick oneshots. **

Everyone was below deck in bed, probably sleeping as peacefully as a demigod could sleep, except for Jason, who was on watch for now, and Leo, who was completely distracted by some sort of mechanical problem on the ship. So basically, there was no one that would come looking for him. He was the least of their worries.

Every single person just assumed that, because Nico was a son of Hades, he was obsessed with death. Well, that wasn't true at all. In fact, when he first learned that he could control the dead, he had been pretty terrified. But after losing his sister, it hadn't been so terrifying. It had been all about trying to see her again. And that's what led to him talking to other ghosts and spirits. They weren't so bad. Obsessed with death? That was insane. After losing his sister, why would he _like _death? But respectful and caring of the dead? That was true.

He went through all the stages of grief, just as everyone else did when they lost loved ones. He denied it, believing that it was just a misunderstanding, and she would show up at camp sometime soon and hug him and tell him that everything was okay, that she was alive.

He had been angry about it. In fact, he had been so angry that he had tried to attack Percy, and he would have loved to see him suffer for what he had done, for letting Bianca die. But he didn't actually attack Percy. The anger faded.

He had run away from camp and tried to find a solution to the problem. After all, he and Bianca were Hades's kids. They should be able to conquer death. Right? When he had realized that Bianca could not conquer death, he tried to bargain with his father, offering himself as the victim instead. He would rather die than live without Bianca. And Bianca should be the one alive, not him.

He had been depressed. He came in and out of camp, avoiding all the camp activities and all the people and instead living on his own, wallowing in his own misery and hating the world. Watching Percy from afar, still angry with him. Scaring everyone at camp and making them think that he was some sort of freak. And maybe he was.

Acceptance had only come when he had spoken to Bianca and she, more or less, told him to stop crying about it and keep living his life. And then he had found Camp Jupiter, and he was given another sister, which made the acceptance even easier. Hazel was not Bianca, but she was almost as good.

That had been hard enough, losing his sister like that. But the worst part? The worst part was that he actually _tried _to be mad at Percy, but he couldn't. Wasn't he supposed to be mad at the guy that had caused his sister's death? He had been at first, but it had faded much too quickly for a little boy who had lost his sister because this guy didn't keep his promise. He wasn't mad at Percy. He just forced himself to be, because he felt like that was how he was supposed to feel.

But that wasn't it. No, not at all. He wished that that was it, not being angry. But ever since he met Percy and he watched him fight off those monsters that night he came for Nico and Bianca, he had thought that Percy was the greatest person that he had ever met. And that was supposed to change when Percy came back with the news that Bianca was dead. But it didn't. Nico might have been angry, but he was still completely fascinated with Percy. He still wanted to be friends with him.

And somewhere along the line, it stopped being about wanting to be friends with Percy. It started to become something more. He wasn't sure when it started, but at some point, he developed a crush. He didn't say anything about it, because he was in complete denial of it. He wasn't supposed to have a crush on another boy. But the more he denied it, the worse it got. The more he was exposed to Percy's bravery and kindness, the stronger his feelings grew. And he tried to run. He ran for a long, long time. In fact, he outright avoided Camp Half-Blood for quite a while. But running would not make it stop. Running would not change who he was.

He was in love with Percy Jackson, and that was that.

How sickening of him, to fall in love with the boy who killed his sister.

No, Percy did not kill Bianca. It was not his fault. But still, Nico should hate him. And instead, it was the opposite. Maybe it was okay, but Nico was completely disgusted with himself.

They were on their way to the House of Hades. That was where the Doors of Death were located, and that was where Percy and Annabeth would be coming from, if they made it through Tartarus. Nico had barely made it by himself without completely losing his mind, and he didn't see how Percy and Annabeth would be able to do it. But Percy was brave, and Annabeth was smart. They could probably make it.

It made sense that they were together. Percy wasn't the smartest person in the world, so he needed a daughter of Athena. And Annabeth was brave, but Percy was a born fighter. They seemed to fit together perfectly. They were in love; that much was obvious. If they weren't, Percy would not have thrown himself into Tartarus with Annabeth.

If Nico weren't in love with Percy, he probably wouldn't have made a promise to lead the crew to the House of Hades. But he had promised, and it was because he wanted to do all he could to make sure that Percy got out of Tartarus alive.

He needed to stop thinking about Percy and Annabeth. He was only torturing himself. But how could he do that? Percy was always on his mind. And Annabeth came along with that, because Annabeth had Percy. And Nico had nothing.

He cast a glance behind him on the ship and, seeing that there was still no one looking for him, he continued until he reached the stern. Jason was an okay guy, but he was terrible at keeping watch, always falling asleep and not noticing things. Nico had walked right past him, and Jason didn't even see him. But then again, Nico had a talent for blending right into the shadows and going unnoticed by people around him. He had had plenty of practice over the years.

Pulling himself up onto the edge of the boat, he sat down so that his feet dangled off the side. It was a pretty dangerous position to be in. If a wave hit the ship hard enough, it would probably throw him off, and he would fall to a very watery death.

How ironic it would be for him to die in Percy's domain.

For a long time, Nico had contemplated the thought of taking his own life. He tried to imagine what his sister would say to him about it if she were here, but that always brought him to the fact that she was _not _here, and if she were, he would probably not be in this situation. He might be a little happier. At least then, he would not feel so alone. He had no home, no place to go, no one to turn to. Except Hazel. But Hazel had her own life to worry about, and a boyfriend that she cared about very much. Nico did not care about his life much, and though he had someone that he cared about very much, that person didn't feel the same way, so it didn't really matter.

He always thought that Bianca would stop him and cry and tell him that he should not take his own life because she loved him and because he was important and because he had so much more to look forward to. That was the typical thing to say to someone trying to commit suicide. Maybe Bianca loved him, and perhaps even Hazel did, but that was it. No one else cared about him. What would the world really be missing out on if Nico were to just die one day? Nothing. The world did not need him. He was useless.

All he had to do was scoot a little farther off the edge, and he would be falling. He would hit the water pretty hard, which would hurt, probably take the breath out of him. It would probably be cold, which wouldn't really bother him that much. But he wasn't the greatest swimmer, so he would probably be under in seconds. He would not struggle. He would just let the water fill his lungs and take the air away from him, and eventually, he would stop breathing. Then it would all be over.

Such dark thoughts from a fourteen-year-old boy who was supposed to be about eighty. He certainly felt like he had lived that long.

He stared across the water, the dark, almost black, water, and sighed. The way that it was churning and ramming itself against the ship made it seem like it was begging for Nico to throw himself overboard. Like it was a giant mouth opening its jaws and just waiting for Nico to jump in.

Not tonight. He threw his legs back over the ledge and landed back on the deck. He had made a promise to Percy to meet him at the Doors of Death, and he fully intended on keeping that promise. Perhaps he hadn't exactly given Percy good reasons to trust him in the past, but this time, he was going to prove his worth. He was going to keep his promise, and he was going to help Percy out. And Annabeth, he supposed.

But after Percy and Annabeth were out and back in the world, fighting Gaea, things would go right back to normal. Nico's achievement might be acknowledged for a little while, but he would be forgotten. As he always was. Frank and Hazel would do their thing, and Jason and Piper would do theirs, and Percy and Annabeth, and Leo and the Argo. Nico would have nothing.

Love was stupid. Dating was stupid.

Except that that was not how he felt at all. In fact, he was filled with jealousy, because everyone had someone or something that they loved and would give their lives for. Nico had someone, but that someone would never feel the same way. Percy would never throw himself into Tartarus if it meant saving Nico. Nico was a friend. Hardly a friend. And Percy was everything to him. Percy was the reason he had been hiding for so long. He was the reason why Nico had trouble sleeping most nights. He was one of the many reasons why Nico felt like he couldn't fit in. He was the reason why Nico had befriended Iapetus, to make sure that he knew Percy could be trusted. He was the reason why Nico kept fighting. And he was the reason why Nico was on this ship to begin with, so he should stop being depressed and start working on fulfilling that promise.

But after he got Percy out, he was going to do it. Because after they were back, everything was going to return to normal, and Nico would be forced to run again. There would be no point. So after the Doors of Death were closed and he saw Percy one last time, he was going to end it all.

….

He did it. He got the crew to the House of Hades, at the cost of his secret coming out into the open for Jason Grace and Cupid to hear. But he had gotten them there. He had led them through the underground with the help of Hazel, and he had helped fight an army of monsters with the help of Diocletian's scepter. He had helped fight Clytius until Hecate dissolved him. Percy and Annabeth were out. Hurt and cadaverous, but alive. The Doors of Death were gone from the House of Hades.

So that meant that it was over. For a moment there, fighting those monsters, he had thought that maybe he could be happy. But then when he had seen Percy and Annabeth, he didn't really think that would be possible again. So this was the end.

He stood aboard the Argo II, overlooking the crew that was just below him. Jason had proven himself to be fairly trustworthy and a decent fighter. And perhaps even a friend. He was sitting next to Piper on the grass, and she was so close to him that she might as well have been sitting on his lap. They were laughing, and he had his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. They looked so overjoyed to be in each other's presence. Piper had proven herself as well. Except for the fact that she liked to talk about Nico behind his back and tell people that he liked Annabeth. But other than that, she was alright.

There was Hazel, running around on the hill with Frank. They were laughing and playing some sort of game like tag. Every time Frank got within arm's distance of Hazel, she would dart away from him, and he would have to pick up the pace so that he could catch her again. They were happy together.

Leo was with them, sitting on the hill and trying to fix some sort of mechanism that looked like an astrolabe. Hedge was happily munching on some grass, and even Reyna looked to be okay, even though she had just traveled here all alone except for her pegasus. She looked tired and a little sad, but otherwise okay.

And, despite just coming out of Tartarus, Percy and Annabeth were content. They were sitting away from Jason and Piper, with Percy's arm around Annabeth's shoulders and her head resting against his. Neither of them were speaking or laughing or even smiling like the others were, but they were content to be out in the world again. And together.

Once again, Nico was left by himself, with no one looking for him, no one paying attention to him. They were all supposed to be having lunch together in just an hour or so, but until then, no one would come looking for him.

He crossed to the starboard side of the ship, where there was no one on the hillside that would see him. As he walked, he tried to imagine how people would react when they couldn't find him. Hazel would probably be incredibly worried. The others might think that perhaps he was okay, that he was just creeping around somewhere, like they thought he did all the time. And then when they found him…well, it would probably be incredibly disturbing to them. He was about to jump off the side of a ship. With the boat drifting through the air just above the Acheron, he was probably about fifty feet in the air. And if he hit the Acheron, that might make it a little faster.

Maybe it wouldn't be too gruesome. He hoped not. He imagined that Piper would probably scream. Jason would try to keep calm and hug Piper to try to calm her down, but he would probably be a little freaked out too. Frank might be sick. Leo would probably be trying to figure out what had happened. Hazel would cry. And Percy and Annabeth would be trying to keep the group under control. It would be a momentary loss, an image that might scare them for just a little while. But they had seen worse. They would get over it. They would move on. They would go and defeat Gaea. They would survive the war. They would continue living.

And Nico would be gone.

He pulled himself up onto the edge of the ship and slowly, carefully, stood up. There was not much of a side to stand on, so he had to be careful until he was ready to take that final step. He wobbled a little, almost lost his footing, and almost screamed out, but he steadied himself.

He had no idea how afraid of heights he was until now, when he was about to fall to his death.

Below him, there were some people on the river fishing. They looked so peaceful and at ease with the world. How terrified they would be when they saw a fourteen-year-old boy falling through the air. Or maybe they wouldn't see him at all. The water was lighter and not nearly as angry as the sea had been so many days ago, but it still looked eager for him. He wondered if, because Percy could control water, if he would try to save him. Maybe. Percy was noble like that. He would try to save anyone that he could. But that was as far as it went. Nico would be just another person for him to save, which meant that he was nothing special.

Above him, the sun was shining brightly, mocking him. It was almost like it was laughing at him, urging him to go on and do it. The world was going to go on. No one was going to notice. As long as the sun was shining, the world was moving on. People were going to be fine and happy without him there.

"Um…Zeus?" Nico said, as he stared up at the sky. "Or any of the other gods or goddesses?" He looked down at the ground. "Dad?" He didn't know what he was expecting. Some sort of sign that someone was listening to him, perhaps. But there was no sign. Just him, standing on the edge of a ship, fifty feet away from his death.

"Gods, goddesses, God with a capital G…" He sighed and looked up at the sky again. "If anyone's up there listening, I just want you to know that I did what I said I was going to do. And I don't really think that you have much use for me anymore. And nobody here does either. My life has been nothing but a cruel joke ever since Percy came back and told me that Bianca was dead. And I really don't think anything good is going to come out of me being here anymore. So…"

He stopped. He thought he might have heard Bianca's voice somewhere close by, but it couldn't be. Bianca was dead. She had called to him in the House of Hades, but that was supposed to happen. The spirits were supposed to tempt them. Now, she wasn't supposed to be here. It had to be his imagination.

But still, he heard her in his head. "What do you think you're doing? You're going to throw yourself off a ledge because you feel sorry for yourself? Because the person you love won't acknowledge your existence? What is wrong with you, Nico? You're better than that."

He considered the words, but then he shook his head. "No, I'm not." He looked up to the sky again. "If there's any reason whatsoever that I should be here, I think you should let me know right now, because in a few seconds, I'll be over the edge, and it'll be too late to tell me. But right now, it doesn't seem like I'm that important."

He looked around. The sun was still shining. The sky was as blue as ever. The river was still rushing over rocks and gurgling. The fishermen were still quiet and peaceful, waiting for something to grab hold of the bait on their hooks. The birds still sung. A hot wind blew past him and ruffled his hair a little bit. Basically, the whole world was continuing on, whether Nico was threatening to leave it or not.

He hesitated for a few more seconds. Just give it a little time, he thought. He looked over his shoulder at the ship, but he didn't see anything. No one. Perhaps that was Zeus or his father or one of the other gods giving him a message: just go ahead and do it. It doesn't matter to us. We've got better things to do than deal with you.

"Fine," Nico said. "I'll do it then."

He looked down at the water one last time. It looked like a normal river, but in a few seconds time, it would probably be stained red. Shutting his eyes and clenching his fists tightly, he stepped one foot off the edge.

Someone's hand wrapped around his wrist and jerked him back fast. He stumbled, almost fell off the ship anyway, but whoever was holding him had a tight grip on his arm. He was not going to fall.

Slowly, he looked down at the hand that was on his wrist. He didn't even need to look at the face to know whom it belonged to. He had memorized everything about Percy Jackson from afar. He had just held his hand by accident today. He knew.

"Nico, what are you doing?" he asked. "Are you insane?"

Nico sighed. He wanted to shrug Percy off, like he normally would, but Percy's hand was actually warm compared to his cold skin, and it felt nice. Besides, if Percy let go, Nico would probably fall anyway.

"Just let me go, Percy," he said. "I'm doing what I want to do. It's not your choice."

"Not my choice?" Even though Nico wasn't looking at him, he could visualize the look on Percy's face. That hurt, insulted look that he sometimes wore when people questioned his abilities. "Maybe not, but I think I have a say in it. You can't just come and rescue me from Tartarus and then try to throw yourself off a ship like you're not worth anything without telling anyone what you're doing. You shouldn't be doing it at all."

Nico scowled. As if Percy actually cared. As if Percy had the authority over him to tell him what he could and couldn't do with his life. It was _his _life. Not Percy's.

"I did what I told you I would do," he said through gritted teeth. "Now let me go. This is my choice. What are you even doing up here?"

Percy didn't answer. Nico waited for a few seconds, but still, no response came. He dared to look back at the son of the sea god, and he saw that Percy looked genuinely confused about what he was doing here. It was evident in his sea green eyes.

"I…really don't know," Percy said finally. "I was sitting on the hill with Annabeth, and then I just had this feeling that I needed to do something. So I came aboard the ship…" He looked up at Nico and frowned. "I guess I found out what I needed to do."

Nico's jaw locked as he looked up at the sky. So this was the message the gods were sending him. _No, we don't want you to kill yourself, because we've got plenty of other things in store for you. We're just going_ _to send you the one person in the world you want more than anything and the one person you absolutely can't have to show you how much torture we have in store for you. _

Percy's hand left Nico's arm, slowly, so that Nico could hold his balance. "Get off the ledge, man. You know you don't want to do this."

Nico shook his head. He remained on the ledge. "You have no idea what I want. You don't know anything about me."

Percy opened his mouth to speak, then shut it, somewhat resembling a fish out of water, and then frowned. "Um…well, I know that you came here to save Annabeth and me. And I know you did it for Annabeth. I've heard the rumors. It's okay, I guess. I mean-"

"Annabeth has nothing to do with this!" Nico hissed, his tone so cold that he sent a chill up his own spine. He sighed, trying to contain his anger. He did not want to lash out. "This isn't about Annabeth."

Percy blinked, looking confused again. Gods, he was so stupid. What did Nico even see in him? "I also know that you're a good friend. If it weren't for you, Annabeth and I would not have survived. You convinced Bob that we were friends, even though I was the worst friend ever. You saved our lives."

Nico glared at him but did not speak.

Percy sighed and ran a hand through his messy, black hair. "Look, I know I haven't exactly been the best friend. Honestly, for a while there, I didn't know if I could trust you. But I guess I can. It kind of seems like you've been on my side all along."

_Kind of? _Of course Nico had been on his side! The only reason that Bob knew who Percy was and how great Percy was is because Nico talked about him so much. He didn't mean to, but a lot of the time, that's who was on his mind.

"I know you had trouble trusting me," Percy went on. "What with Bianca and everything. I know it's all my fault. I should have done something about it. I could have stopped it-"

Nico shook his head. "Not your fault. You couldn't have stopped it. You did what you could."

Percy opened his mouth again, like a fish, and then blinked, like he was having trouble processing the words. Then he said, "But still…it doesn't stop the guilty feeling. Is that why you're doing this? Because of Bianca?"

Nico rolled his eyes and almost lost his balance on the ledge. One wrong move, and he would fall off backwards. "Are you serious? I've talked to Bianca. If I ever hurt myself because of her, she would kill me again. I would never do that. I wouldn't…"

"Then what?" Percy asked. "If not for Bianca, then what? What is your problem?" His voice was rising. He was getting angry. Almost as angry as Nico felt. "You made a promise to me! You told me that you would get Annabeth and me out of the Doors of Death! And you did. You did something so important, Nico. There's no way I'll ever be able to repay you. You have so much to live for. You can do so many great things. You're a great demigod, and if I wouldn't have found you and you would have fallen…" He shook his head. "I couldn't imagine fighting Gaea without you there. I couldn't imagine…" He paused, sucked in a breath, and then turned his eyes on Nico again. "What about Hazel? Did you ever think about her? How do you think she would have felt?"

Nico pursed his lips together and clenched his fists, trying to resist the urge to hit something. "Of course I thought about Hazel! Hazel cares, I know. But she has other things to live for. She has Frank. She has all of you. I have nothing."

"You have Hazel," Percy said, so quietly that Nico almost didn't hear him. And then his voice dropped even more as he said, "And you have me. You'll always have me, Nico. I'll always be here."

Nico's eyes widened slightly, but he tried not to look too surprised. And then the anger set in again. Because he would never have Percy. Percy belonged to Annabeth, not him. He and Percy would never be together. Because Percy was _straight._ And even if he wasn't, what use did he have for a son of Hades? He could do so much better. So, so much better than Nico. Nico was always going to be a shadow to him.

"Why did you make that promise to me, if not for Annabeth?" Percy asked. "If you didn't want to save Annabeth, then what was the point of promising me? What was the point of even coming then? You could have left it all to Hazel if you wanted to."

_If not for Annabeth, then what? _How stupid could he possibly be? The answer was right in front of him, but he was too blind, too naïve to see it. And Nico was a little grateful for that. He was not frightened of a lot of things, but Percy's reaction to his feelings would be absolutely terrifying.

"It doesn't matter," Nico murmured. "I did it, it's done. You should leave it alone."

"Tell me," Percy said firmly.

Nico's lip curled. "No. Leave it alone, Percy."

Percy reached out and grabbed his arm rather forcefully, which caught Nico off guard and made him stumble. Percy didn't seem to notice as he shouted. "What? Just tell me something, Nico. Anything. I want to help."

Nico's foot slipped off the edge, and he fell backward. He felt his stomach drop and his heart rise up into his throat as he fell, and he shut his eyes, expecting to hit the water any second. But Percy still had a firm grip on him, and he was not letting him go anywhere. Still, fear rose inside Nico as he rested against the side of the boat, his hand clasped tightly with Percy's. He looked down at the river, so far below him, and tears started to well up in his eyes.

"Percy," he said, looking up at him, trying to look strong, but he was so, so terrified. "Please don't let me fall."

Percy looked rather sad, and he shook his head and gripped Nico's hand even tighter. "I would never, never let you fall. Just hold on tight, okay? Don't let go."

Nico didn't need to be told twice. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to swallow the fear that was rising in his throat, but before he knew it, he was back on deck, safe and sound. He opened his eyes and saw that Percy still held his hand, and he was so close that, if Nico wanted to, and he kind of did, he could kiss him. But he had never kissed anyone before, and he was afraid. Afraid that he would be bad. Afraid that Percy would get angry. Afraid of rejection. But he wanted to so, so bad.

"Thank you," Nico said, averting his eyes as he started to pull his hand away.

"No problem," Percy said. "After all, you tried to pull me out of Tartarus, didn't you?"

Nico didn't think that he had noticed that. He had been reaching for Percy. He didn't think that there was any hope for Annabeth, all tangled up in Arachne's webs. But he had tried to save Percy.

"I didn't want you to go through the same thing I went through," Nico muttered.

Percy nodded. "Yeah, and you did it alone. I don't know how…" He trailed off and looked up at the sky. "You're so much more than you give yourself credit for. So don't try anything like that again, okay? But if you ever do end up on a ledge again and you think that there's not one single person in the entire world that would care if you were gone, you're wrong. Because I care about you."

Nico let out a breath, blowing a stray strand of hair out of his eyes and looked down at the deck. "Not in the way I want you to," he said under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," Nico said, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. "I said thanks."

Percy looked confused momentarily, but then he accepted it and patted Nico on the shoulder. "Great. So Piper is getting lunch ready for all of us, if you would like to join. I know we would all like to have you there."

Sure, Percy said that now, but once they got down there, Nico would not be so important. Percy might care for Nico, or he might not. Maybe he was just trying to be a good guy. But if he did care about Nico, he would never care the way that Nico wanted him to. Annabeth would always be first.

As Percy descended down the rope ladder off the ship, looking up occasionally and smiling at Nico, Nico couldn't help but wonder about Percy, if Percy really had himself figured out the way he thought he did. Maybe Nico didn't have himself figured out. But one thing was for certain. He did love Percy, and he would do anything for him. And maybe, if he was being really hopeful, Percy might end up feeling the same way.

A crazy thought entered his head. Maybe that was the point of Percy coming to rescue him. Maybe he was supposed to fix his problems. That was the message the gods were trying to convey to him.

"Hey, Percy?" Nico called down to him.

"Yeah?" Percy said.

Nico gulped. No, this was completely insane. He was making a mistake. Abort mission, abort mission. "Never mind. I um…just never mind."

He looked up to the sky again. He didn't know what the gods were doing, and he wasn't sure he liked it. Maybe they were taunting him, or maybe they were trying to show him that his future was going to be bright. But until then, Nico was going to be completely miserable, as he had been for so many years. But that was okay. As he looked down at Percy, he realized that he would tolerate a whole world of darkness, if maybe, just maybe, there was a chance of a little light.


End file.
